How to Make a Million Dollars Writing for the Web

Wouldn't it be great to get paid to write the kind of stuff I put on this blog? I think so, so I took a trial membership in "FreelanceHomeWriters.com," or a title to that effect. It's a site that helps you enter the world of bidding for freelance writing jobs.

AN INTRODUCTION TO MAKING A MILLION DOLLARS WRITING FOR THE WEB

The first thing you have to do on the FreelanceHomeWriters site is read the introduction. If you're like me, and you want the bottom line without a lot of jibber-jabber, this introduction will really try your patience. I skipped the personal testimonials, mainly because I think they're all made-up anyway. And who cares how the site founders got started or what they personally struggled with? Just tell me how to make a million dollars tossing out blog entries!

That came next, in the form of an ebook on how to write for the Web. Now, that was an eye-opener! In fact, there were so many eye-openers in this section, I hardly know where to start!

AMAZING TRICKS FOR MAKING A MILLION DOLLARS WRITING FOR THE WEB

It's amazing how many tricks people employ to entice readers to their Web sites, to wit:

1. Liberal use of keywords. If you're hired to write an article, an employer will in most cases give you a set of keywords to sprinkle throughout the copy. That's because the more you mention a keyword, the better your article's chances of popping up on Page 1 of a Google search. Most people who Google something never even bother going to Page 2 and beyond, so being on Page 1 is a definite plus.

2. Formulaic headlines. This site actually lists fill-in-the-blank headlines you should use for any Web articles you write, because they've been shown to reel in readers. Some examples: *

The Secret of… (your subject here)
Little Known Ways to… (your subject here)
Get Rid of (problem) Once and For All…
Here’s a Quick Way to (solve a problem)…
Now You Can Have (something desirable) (great circumstance)
(Do Something) Like (A Professional Example)…
What Everyone Ought to Know about (blank)…
Give Me (amount of time) and I’ll Give You (blank)…
The Lazy (person’s) Way to (blank)…
See How Easily You Can (desirable result)…
You Don’t Have to be (something challenging) to be (desired result)…


These work very well, although you may feel using them stifles your creativity. Say your subject is Having Sex with Pandas. Just plug that into each one of the above, and pick the one that works best for you. How about, "Now You Can Have Sex with Pandas and Still Be the Respected CEO of a String of Daycares!" Or, "Give Me 5 Minutes and I'll Give You the Best Sex You've Ever Had with a Panda."

3. Liberal use of subheads. The more the better, and, of course, each subhead should have the keyword in it. "Why Sex With Pandas?" "Sex With Pandas Has Long History" and "How to Find a Panda Sex Partner" would all be viable subheads in this hypothetical (we hope) article.

4. Then there's the tried-and-true bullets tactic. Readers love bulleted lists, which are so easy to compile and help you to quickly reach your 500-word quota.

Well, you get the gist.

YOU'LL BE SURPRISED HOW YOU CAN MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS WRITING FOR THE WEB

The next eye-openers came in the site's job bank. It will astound you to see what people are willing to pay for. "Blog commenter" looks like pretty easy money. A person who gets paid to blog needs to justify the pay, and so will pay others to comment on his or her blog.

Another job that strikes me as rather sleazy if not downright dishonest is "Expert craigslist poster." Craigslist doesn't like you to post the same ad in lots of places, so these people will pay you to disguise their ads and plaster them all over the craigslist world. Now there's a noble use of my writing skills!

On the plus side, people do need content for their Web sites and blogs, and it's not difficult to write the articles. It might be difficult for me, though, to stick to facts. Rather than jump in and bid on a job, I assigned myself a blog entry to see if I could suppress my wild individualism and yoke myself to writing to specs. Hence my Nov. 13 article on catching roosters.

CAN I REALLY MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS WRITING FOR THE WEB?

Despite my really long headline on my rooster article (readers are supposed to like long headlines better than short ones) and my use of practically every suggested headline strategy, and the use of the keyword "roosters" in just about every sentence, I saw absolutely no uptick in readership in the first 24 hours.

Oh my god, I forgot to put in subheads! (Smack myself on the forehead!) No wonder readers haven't been falling over themselves to read my rooster advice.

HOW TO MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS ON THE WEB WITHOUT WRITING A WORD

FreelanceHomeWriters.com says an 8-year-old child could write these content articles. I'll put my 9-year-old to work on it right away. In fact, maybe I'll pay her, and then resell the articles. What a brilliant idea! I could have an entire stable of local children churning out Web content.

Thank you, FreelanceHomeWriters.com!

Ten Steps to Understanding How to Unearth the Secret to Catching Free-Range Roosters: A Feat You Will Be Proud Of

You've always wanted to catch those roosters running wild in your backyard, right? I know I have. I look out my window and see those plump, juicy roosters and it make my mouth water like Niagara Falls. If I could just get my hands on them and take them to the slaugh... ... uh ... rooster heaven.

Now I can -- and so can you! Because I am about to reveal to you my incredible 10-step method to get those roosters into a pen and then pluck them like ripe berries from their perches. I know it sounds impossible -- and if you've ever chased a rooster, you know what I mean! But there's really no reason you too can't be successful using my tried-and-true tips to move your roosters from yard to oven with little fuss and no muss!

First you need to know something about roosters. Roosters may not seem very smart, but then, they don't have to be. All roosters have to be is WARY. And they are plenty wary. Roosters love their freedom more than they love their hens. A rooster will spend hours at a coop door putting one foot in, and one foot out, doing the hokey pokey and turning himself about without ever really committing himself to entering. You'd think you could sneak up behind him and pressure him to go in. Think again.

Secondly, roosters get hungry when they haven't had food for a long time. This may seem self-evident, but most people don't think about the time factor. Most people think a rooster is always hungry, that all you have to do is put down some corn any hour of the day and a rooster will hop right to it. That is just not the way roosters are.

OK, those are the basics. And now (drum roll, please), the way to catch those roosters:

1. Do not feed roosters any breakfast until about 11 a.m.

2. Open the coop's people-size door. If the coop's chicken-size door leads to a secure pen, leave it open. If it does not, then make sure it is firmly shut and that a rooster can't push it open from the inside.

3. Fill food pans and place them as far inside the coop as you can.

4. Get a long stick and position yourself about 15 feet from the coop, on the side from which you will be closing the door.

5. Stand for what earlier in the day would have been an infinite amount of time waiting for a rooster to go in, but which now, because you waited so long to feed them, will be just a minute or two.

6. As soon as a rooster has disappeared inside the door, move quickly and quietly closer to the door and use your long stick to slam the door shut. Voila! You have your first rooster! And as they say, a rooster in hand is worth two in the yard.

7. Enter the coop and, shutting the people door behind you, pressure the rooster to go out the chicken-size door into the pen. If you don't have a pen, corral your captive somehow so that when you repeat the process, he doesn't escape out the people door. You could erect a temporary wall with a small, blockable entrance, or put up a strong, fine-mesh net. Or you could pop your prisoner into a crate of some sort.

8. Repeat the previous 7 steps with your remaining free-range roosters.

9. Once all roosters are captured and accounted for, release them from their in-coop restraints and don't let them out.

10. The night before the Big Day, enter the coop after the roosters have all gone to sleep, remove the slumbering future Sunday roasts from their perches and deposit them in the cages you'll transport them in.

Don't be discouraged if a few roosters seem to have a sixth sense about when you are approaching the door to shut it. They'll come back, eventually. They'll hear their buddies crowing and scuffling inside and their flocking instinct will kick in. You must exercise patience, which can be difficult, but the rewards are well worth it!

One caveat: You'd think that once all the roosters are contained, you're home free. I thought I was, with seven roosters in the pen as the sun began to set the night before their final journey. Alas, despite my impassioned gestures to shut up, my husband mentioned at the dinner table about our plans for the morrow. Our 9-year-old daughter jumped up, shouting, "What? You're taking the roosters to be killed?"

Before we could catch HER, she ran outside, threw open a door and my day's work literally flew the coop.

So, perhaps an 11th step is needed: Add padlock to coop door. Or, add duct tape to husband's mouth.

Now, get out there and round up those roosters! You can do it! And think of the pride you'll experience when your family gathers for Thanksgiving, and someone asks, as he's licking his fingers clean from the fried chicken, "Who caught this delicious bird?" You can righteously puff out your chest and crow, "That would be me!"

Let's Try This Again

I gave my first piano lesson today. It was a challenge. My 5-year-old student was very nervous and wouldn't even sit in front of the piano. I had to dredge up my psychology training and take her through a hierarchy of fears before she edged close enough to touch the keys. By the time she left, she'd thawed out considerably (probably from a massive dose of relief that it was over) and was showing me her gymnastics moves and speaking at a normal volume.

It's a beautiful day outside, if a bit chilly. November is bearable when sunny. It's the overcast days that make me want to just RUN AWAY.

Today's picture is my first experiment with the scanner, which my husband was kind enough to connect to and install on this computer. Actually, it's my fourth experiment. The first three scans wouldn't upload, I guess because they were saved as the wrong kinds of files.

This is a photo that appeared in 1971 in the Piscataquis Observer. Somehow I made it into the National Honor Society. Some society! We never had any meetings or did anything fun. The only thing we had in common was an ability to get good grades.

See if you can tell which one is me!

A Little Housekeeping

Some of you are wondering why you haven't made my list of "People I Have Knewn." There's a simple answer. One, I'm adding names in bunches according to segments of my life. So far, I'm barely through high school. Some people have been added because they complained, even though it wasn't their turn to be added. So if I met you at UMO or USM or in New Jersey or New Mexico or New Hampshire or Alaska and/or just about anytime after I graduated from high school, it's not that I've forgotten you. You'll get on the list one of these days.

You can actually be of help. When you prod me to put you on the list, remind me of other people you think we both knew. (OK, maybe it IS that I've forgotten some people.) I won't add any names that I don't actually remember.

P.S. Kayti did not write this.

The Hills Are Alive

These are exciting times here on the Stick Farm. For starters, Rex was out of the house for two days in a row, and I was totally ALONE!

I do love being alone. I think it stems from growing up with sisters who just made fun of me all the time, leaving me unwilling to do much of anything in their presence. For example, at a Bible camp we went to for a week one summer, my sister Janet and I were put in the same dorm room. The room was actually an attic, and a damned hot and stuffy one at that, and about 10 girls were housed there. I think I was 10. I was very lonely. I had no idea how to make friends. In contrast, Janet made friends easily and hung around with a large group. One day I was lying on my bed between classes, having a conversation with my stuffed bear. Janet came in with some other kids from some activity outside. She strode over to me and ripped my bear out of my hands, and told me to stop playing with a stuffed animal. It was embarrassing her.

At home in Falmouth, it was only when I would strike out on a walk "down back" with my nonjudgmental dog that I felt free to be. Maybe that's why the word and concept of freedom resonate so deeply with me. Freedom! Ain't that a gorgeous word?

Liking to have Rex out of the house has nothing to do with Rex, really. He tolerates whatever I do here, including, notably, my wretched attempts to rebuild my trombone embouchure. Still, I'd rather not have him in listening distance. It makes a difference in how I practice.

Also exciting is the response I've had to my search for music students. It's exhilarating (is that spelled right? I don't think so ...) yet scary to be opening myself up to sharing music. I'm not saying I have a lot of students -- just that I'm talking to people about music and seeing some enthusiasm and also seeing more possibilities. I'm discovering, too, that I hate the money aspect of teaching lessons. I just want people to come play with me. What I'd really like to do is charge people on the basis of how much they practice -- the more they practice, the less I charge, because the quicker they learn, the more fun they'll be to play with! Maybe Rex can come up with a practice-o-meter that we could imbed in students' instruments.

Last but not least, I have finally successfully papier-mache'd something. It's Kayti's mask for her parrot costume for Halloween (her best friend is going to be a pirate). I'm quite delighted with the result.

Now it's on to my own costume -- appropriately, a treasure chest!

At last, a picture

At last, a picture on my blog. This is my daughter, Kayti, age 9, and her friend Finn, age 5, on that trampoline it took us six years to put up. Soon we'll have to take it down, because we live in the frozen North and outdoor equipment doesn't fare well in winter weather.
Well, it looks like this coming weekend will be the Time of the Great Rooster Slaughter. I'll kind of miss hearing 11 roosters crowing in chorus between 4 and 7 a.m. I did record them, and will try to upload it, but please, I just put up my first picture! Bear with me!
Why is it I think of a million things to say on my blog when I'm out walking, and then when I sit in front of the computer my head is completely devoid of anything resembling ideas? Must be all the Scrabble playing.

The Deb Zone: A Separate Reality

Rex, my husband, made up the title for this blog entry. He said he wanted to write something on the subject, but he'll never get around to it, so I borrowed it.

You may have heard my dulcet voice last Sunday on NPR's Weekend Edition. The show's producers called me after I posted on their Soapbox blog about what kind of life I'll be facing in a couple of weeks when my severance pay from the newspaper runs out. In short order, they had me a) scheduled for a phone interview with Sunday host Liane Hansen and b) losing sleep thanks to my fear of sounding like a nincompoop on national radio.

After the interview, which took place at MPBN's studios in Portland, I was so horrified at the things I'd said that I didn't sleep for ANOTHER two nights, thinking about the clever responses I failed to make. For example, Ms. Hansen asked me if I had ever thought that at age 55 I'd be in this position, i.e., jobless, reduced to living in the cellar to keep warm and serving meals concocted from a pet or two. My on-air answer meandered around how Rex and I are unconventional and I've done a lot of jobs and blah blah blah ... the point being, I'm no stranger to belt-tightening. Which is an okay answer, but what I should have said was: "No way! I never thought I'd be lucky enough to have a farm, a husband, a daughter, and lots of animals! I expected to be living on income from bottle returns and picking my lunch out of a dumpster!" Which some people may take as facetious but it is the absolute truth!

Before I go, a funny observation by Kayti:

She'd picked up my trombone and tried to blow a note. I showed her how, and said, "It's kind of hard." She said, "I can't understand why you'd work so hard to play something that doesn't sound that good anyway."

Maybe it's time to play her some J.J. Johnson.

My very best to all of you,

LOVE, Debbi