Hindsight

STAPLES IS NEVER going to hire me.

I'm lying in bed, thinking over the answers I gave to the company's online questionnaire for potential employees.

I'm not the sort of person who can give unconditional answers. Many times I hesitated between the options "Agree" and "Disagree."

For example, take the statement, "I smile a lot," or words to that effect.

Well, I do smile a lot, on purpose, because it makes those little pouchy things at the corners of my lips go away. Inside, however, I may not be smiling. So, does the statement mean "I smile a lot because I am happy" or "I smile a lot so maybe I can reverse the aging process and look forward to someday getting carded when buying wine"?

I had to answer "Agree" to "I smile a lot," which may give the wrong impression, but there was no instruction to use the back of the page to elaborate if necessary.

The questionnaire had a lot of leadership statements. I tend to think of being a leader as a good thing, while being a follower conjures up images of sheep jumping off cliffs. It hurts to say it, but I am not a natural leader. Still, given statements by Staples such as "People tend to view me as a leader," I had to say "Agree," because I have a great number of people fooled. But to the statement "I tend to follow rather than lead," I also had to mark "Agree."

In fact, filling out the form forced me to confront the fact that my public and private personas don't have much in common and would probably get divorced if they could agree on who gets custody of the id. I think what Staples is going to have to conclude is that I am one confused babe.

The clincher, the statement that I realize sinks my ship, is this one: "People tend to believe what I say." I almost picked "Strongly agree" for that one. What stopped me were memories of people laughing at things I said in earnest, thinking I was joking. If I said to one of my friends, "I LOVE this ballpoint pen!" I would get a laugh. I can't count the times I've had to say, "No, really, I'm not kidding. I love this ballpoint pen."

So I had to say "Disagree" to that one. But if they'd just given me a chance to explain, I would point out that there are just as many times that I have had to assure someone, "I was KIDDING!" It seems that people believe me when I say what to me are totally outrageous things that no one could possibly take seriously, and when I make simple, straightforward observations that to me are obviously heartfelt, people think I'm yanking their chains.

But Staples will only deduce that I am a bald-faced liar and everyone can see through my falsehoods and no one will ever buy so much as a No. 2 pencil from me, choosing to dismiss my assertions that it is, indeed, a No. 2. "See? It says it right there on the side! If you would just LOOK at it!"

It would only take a couple of customers complaining to management before I'd be thrown out. "Yes, ma'am, it was THAT ASSOCIATE over THERE! Tried to tell me a pencil was a No. 2! Lying through her TEETH!"

So, in six months, will I take the test again, making wiser choices? Skewing the answers toward what Staples wants in its product associates?

Probably.