Stricken!

BAD NEWS on the Alzheimer's front.

I was horrified to read in today's paper that elderly people who feel they are organized, disciplined and lead a purposeful life are less likely to be stricken with the dread disease, which sucks the good stuff like memory and intellect out of one's brain and replaces it with lesions.

It's not that I wish ill on people with purpose. It's that I think of myself as completely disorganized, undisciplined and leading about as aimless a life as a human being can. So even though no one who shares my DNA (i.e., close family) has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's -- which is good news, because there's a strong genetic component -- I still seemed headed into a train wreck.

As usual, my reaction, well-developed by years in therapy, is to conduct a reality check. Am I really disorganized, undisciplined and aimless? Should I readjust my self-assessment? Can I somehow manipulate semantics and come out smelling less like horse manure and more like a contributing, useful member of society?

Let's start with the Myers-Briggs test. According to this test, which I took about 15 years ago, OK, 20 years ago, showed me to possess a remarkably well-balanced personality. That's the way I like to interpret it, anyway.

My results fell right smack in the middle on almost every continuum. For example, I'm not an extrovert or an introvert. Apparently, I'm equal amounts of each. Ditto on the sensing/intuition scale. Ditto on the thinking/feeling scale. AND on the judging/perceiving scale.

For years I didn't quite know how to take this. I thought it meant I had no personality.

But then the light bulb went on.

This test explains exactly why I have SUCH a hard time living my life.

Picture the extremes (introversion/extroversion, for example) as being points at the base of a mountain at the same elevation but on opposite sides of the summit. Picture the summit as being equidistant from each extreme. Now, if I'm at the summit, gravity is trying to pull me to either side.

When I'm in a given situation, do I behave as an extrovert or an introvert? I experience conflict. It's not that I'm consciously asking myself the question. It's just that I'm inherently torn.

And, because of my centralized position, I'm torn, or face the potential for being torn, ALL THE TIME! So much of my energy is taken up with these constant choices, there's very little left for making decisions in my outward life.

How am I doing? Am I progressing logically to the point where I can totally justify lying in bed reading books, doing crossword puzzles and unsuccessfully trying to resist bon-bons all day? Can I say that I really am organized, just organized in an extremely undisciplined and purposeless way?

Actually, when I think about it, maybe being highly susceptible to Alzheimer's isn't such a bad thing for someone like me. Maybe it would even be a blessing. It would be a great excuse to just sit in the warm fall sunshine and be. It would let me live the way I want to live, but without the guilt!