Ouch

Three shih-tzus watch carefully so as
to time their movement to coincide
with mine. Shih tzus contributed
to a number of falls I took this
winter.







Kayti said to me the other day, "Mom! You made it through winter without breaking any bones!"

It is indeed a miracle, considering that I fell down at least once a day. I wish I had videos of all the spills I've taken -- they would make an exceptionally funny montage.

Here are all the ways I've fallen since last fall:

1. Bucked off a horse.

2. Cross-country skis got ahead of me.

3. Slipped in mud.

4. Slipped on ice (about 100 times)

5. Tripped on 2x4 on porch.

6. Missed rung on ladder.

7. Misjudged number of stairs.

8. Tripped by a dog.

9. Crocs slipped on wet floor.

10. Ground-teaching horse to jump, I tripped on jump.

11. Fell off a pallet in a dark cellar.

12. Unexpectedly stepped into hole on uneven "lawn."


At least I have reasons for all these falls. Before surgery, my right ankle used to roll me onto the ground without so much as a fare-thee-well.

I may not have broken any bones, but I'm not tempting fate. I won't be getting on the horse this year until we are signed up for MaineCare.

The $600 Wart

This is why people with no insurance avoid going to the doctor:

Visit to doctor: $90

First lab bill: $80

Second lab bill: $210.00

Third lab bill: $175.00

Is there no way to test the wartiness of a growth without having to test for every other possibility under the sun? How many more labs are involved? How many more of these bills should I expect?

After taking the wart sample, the doctor told me the growth is probably a) just a wart; or b) a kind of skin cancer that usually goes away by itself.

I think, with that kind of information, and knowing what my lab bill(s) would add up to, I might have said, OK, skip the lab work.


Note: I confess, the picture does not show the infamous wart that was on my leg, but a mushroom that was on my lawn last year.

Still Ambulatory After All These Years

Sometimes I just don't want to write about myself. But if I don't, what can I write about?

Yesterday's 8.6 mile walk from Limerick to Cornish had some extremely boring stretches. Ironically, I noticed on one of the most boring ones that someone had built an observation deck overlooking the boring landscape. There must be times of the year that the view becomes interesting. It's a swampy area, so I'm guessing that red-winged blackbirds abound in the spring and summer. There's excitement for you. Red-winged blackbirds in a swamp.

By the time I got to Cornish, if I'd had a bag with me, I would have collected $2.10 worth of returnable bottles. About half the bottles were in Limerick. I saw only one cigarette butt in the first six miles; then they proliferated. There were no coins whatsoever. The most interesting thing I saw was a dead crow half-buried in a snowbank.

I gave a lot of thought to the party I'd attended the day before. It was a reunion of USM music majors and faculty from the '60s and '70s. I can't believe how many people attended! Cars were parked along the road for a mile! The place was packed! Thank God I went, so I could rehash it instead of focusing on my aching knees.

I was reminded of when I worked at Moosehead Manufacturing for six weeks one summer between college years. The days just crawled if there was nothing interesting to think about, so I tried to go out drinking and dancing every night to give myself some thought fodder for the following day. Sure, I had horrible hangovers, but at least I wasn't bored!

Petty Politics

I've walked 8 miles in the past two days, both to get a decent cup of coffee and to get out into the warmer air and reassure myself that I am ambulatory.

Walking is great for pondering. Today I pondered what questions I would pose to town candidates at the election forum next week. I came up with two:

1) For the incumbents: Have you ever lied to your constituents in the course of your official duties; and for everybody: Do you think there are circumstances under which lying to your constituents is justified?

2) For the incumbents: Have you ever used your position as a town officer to try to force a wrong decision (by, say, the Planning Board of Appeals) on behalf of yourself, or your family, friends or neighbors? and for everyone: Do you consider such use of power to be ethical under any circumstances, and if not, will you take a pledge to avoid such conduct if you are elected?

My husband just snorted when I shared these with him. "You think anyone's going to answer those questions truthfully?"

I said, "Well, if I can follow up with another question, like, 'Did you pressure the Code Enforcement Officer to ignore so-and-so's noncompliance?' Only, of course, if I know the answer to that question is 'yes.' "

He rolled his eyes.

I doubt if I'd have the nerve to stand up and ask these questions myself, for the simple reason that this is a small town and I'm afraid of a backlash. My taxes would probably go up, the Code Enforcement Officer would probably be sent to inspect my house and told to not come back with fewer than 135 violations, and the town snowplowers would likely be ordered to bury the end of my driveway -- preferably, with me under the snow.

It's too bad, but that's small-town politics for you. One hand washes the other; it doesn't stand back and say, "Wow, are you dirty."

Hate at First Slight

I knew I shouldn't have played a game of Scrabble (actually, Lexulous) before heading off to my job this morning. But normally, a game of Lexulous relaxes me.

Here's the bizarre exchange during this morning's game with someone whose user name is "pazienza":

Pazienza played some short word to start off.

I bingoed off that word, spelling "basenji."

Pazienza countered with another bingo, which I was able to turn to my advantage by playing "zoa" on a triple word score.

I noticed pazienza had written something in the chat box. It said, "An obvious Scrabble bot."

I had no idea what pazienza was talking about, so I wrote, "?"

Pazienza responded, "you."

Well, I was flummoxed! My knee-jerk reaction was to write, "Basenji is SUCH a common word." But I paused to cool down, refused to let myself sink to pazienza's level, and wrote instead, "Yup, I guess I am."

That could have been the end of it, but THEN pazienza wrote, "Last time well play," which it took me a minute to figure out meant "It's the last time we'll play."

I should have adjourned right then! Players hate it when their opponent adjourns, as opposed to resigning, because nobody gets the rating points. Unfortunately, I didn't think of it. Suppressing an intense urge to use a very bad epithet, I wrote, "If that's what you want," hoping that pazienza could nonetheless infer the word I'd left off the end of the sentence.

What a jerk! The kicker is that when we were down to the last tiles, I was ahead by 50 points but ran out of time!

If anyone out there has any ideas how I can make pazienza's life absolutely miserable from now on, please let me know. I'm looking for something clever and untraceable.

The Horse Who Would Be Dog

Thanks to the horse pictured here, I almost would, instead of sitting here writing this, be lying unconscious and possibly dead out on the muddy ground.

I let him out and was treating him like a dog, running around and calling, "Here, Sox! Here boy!" He would thunder my way, wheel and thunder back. Sometimes he would kick up his heels.

It was one of the heel-kicks that nearly got me in the head. I could hear the wind from it, it was that close. Whew! Scary!

My analytics seem to be up and running, since I installed the updated code. It's very satisfying to see that my readership has jumped -- are you ready? -- 2,475%! There was nowhere to go but up, since the program hadn't been working so it looked like I hadn't had a visitor for a month. Average time on-site is currently 1.46 minutes, which, sadly, does not mean people are spending more time on my blog. It just means that ONE person spent 43 minutes! Thanks, whoever you were!

Rex and Kayti have been in Florida since last Tuesday. It hardly seems like they've been gone at all, because they call me at least four or five times a day. They won't leave me alone.

Kayti even sent me on a Valentine's mission last night. She wanted me to anonymously deliver a rose to a classmate. So I bought a Dove chocolate rose, got into my cat-burglar outfit (black pants, black cape, black boots, black gloves, goofy feather mask and goofy red hat), drove to said classmate's house, and walked up to the door. I was going to knock if the dog barked, but no one seemed to know I was there -- the shades were all drawn -- so I left the rose on the porch railing and scurried away.

Can you imagine? I do the most bizarre things. I really liked being in disguise and sneaking up to someone's house. I wish stalking weren't a crime!

Nothin' Could be Finah

I'm just back from four days in North Carolina, visiting my 88-year-old widowed Aunt Louise. She doesn't have a computer, and even if she did, she wouldn't be online, so I had little opportunity to add to my blog. I apologize to those who made the trip to mylittlefarm in vain.

My aunt had a wonderful marriage to my Uncle Carlton. They absolutely adored each other for the whole 54 years they were together. He was six years younger than her. They met at a dance in ... I want to say Bangor, but I'm not sure. It was one of those deals where he spotted her and decided then and there that she was the woman for him. She says she was in her thirties when that happened.

With that in mind, I made an impulse buy at Target yesterday, Saturday -- "When Harry Met Sally." The previous night we'd watched "Narnia" and she fiddled with the volume all through it, driving me almost insane, and she didn't follow the plot very well, either. I thought we'd have greater success with "Harry/Sally." I thought she would really relate to those aging happy couples interspersed throughout the movie.

Alas, the show had barely begun when she fell asleep. She only woke up if a telephone rang in the movie; she thought it was her own phone. Then she'd watch for a couple of minutes, the volume zooming up and back down like a little boat on ocean swells (and I'm not exaggerating when I say it made me slightly seasick). The next thing I'd know, she'd be fast asleep again.

It wasn't the most exciting four days of my life, but we both got a lot of rest and we enjoyed comparing pills (hers are mostly medications; mine are mostly vitamins). I made a cool birthday cake for her son, my cousin Kevin, who turned 48, and he never even came over to pick it up. I told her she should call up a few of her friends and invite them to share it with us. The hell with Kevin! But she said Kevin told her to box it and freeze it and he'd come over next week. Hmmmm. I'll believe it when I see it. But I helped her stow it for the day hell freezes over.

I wish I had a picture of that cake to put on here. It was shaped like a fish and had M&Ms for scales. It was supposed to have NECCO wafers, but who sells those any more? Nobody in Wake Forest, N.C., I can tell you that!

Aunt Louise jokes a lot about having CRS -- "can't remember s---" -- but it clearly frustrates her. She's a pretty smart lady, and has a great sense of humor, but she is bummed that her mind doesn't work so well now. It was hard for me, too, for example, when she'd try to remember where her doctor's office is -- all I can say is, it's a good thing we left the house 45 minutes early!